this is hard.

If this post sounds depressing and dreary it is not because I am trying to make a Halloween statement... but because this is just a very hard part of this stinkin' cancer journey.  Mike has only gotten more sick and weak since our last treatment on Friday... his throat and mouth sores are more sore (what an understatement!) and he can eat less than ever.  When they told us "cell death for 2 more weeks" I guess I just didn't want to believe it.  It has been a slow progress from bad to worse for so long that I cannot even imagine it getting better at this point.  That probably sounds dumb and lacks faith & hope, but I cannot imagine what it will be like for Mike to start eating again.

He does not realize how weak he has gotten.  He is still strong in spirit... but I am the one losing steam. I am the one who sees the pain on his face throughout the day & night.  I am the one who sees how much weight he has lost under his baggy clothes (like someone who is starving from the effects of pancreatic cancer.)  I am the one who hears him gag on the food he tries to eat. I am the one who puts ointment on that nasty neck burn that keeps draining and changing. I am the one trying to be clever enough to make something he can eat - to no avail.

I miss Mike too. I miss having a glass of wine with him at the end of the day.  I miss his boundless energy and stamina. And even though it is very hard, I am glad we get to walk through this hard place together.  I was going to say that it was like being with the 80 year old Mike over the weekend, but he will be much more spry and bright-eyed at 80 than this.  This is way worse than recovering from surgery in the hospital because the effects drag out 4 times longer.  He is more weary.  I am more weary.  I long for the time when he can put healthy nutrients and fresh food into his body for re-building.  Maybe I am down because I can't help very much at this stage... because any food I try to feed him "doesn't work."

Sorry to be Debbie-Downer but I am ready for the turn-around and I don't see it coming.  I know this is where faith comes in.  I know the Lord is walking with us.  I know the Lord is sovereign over even this.  I know His plan is good.  Thanks for letting me be honest... and down... It is comforting to come to the blog and know that you are praying for us...